Saturday
22Nov2008
The Saboteur
Saturday, November 22, 2008 at 09:32AM
The Saboteur is overwhelmed by the chatter bouncing around the four corners of his mind.
The Saboteur’s subconscious and conscious minds are always in conflict.
The Saboteur feels broken.
The Saboteur tells himself that he is rescuing others from the future pain of his sabotage by shutting them out now.
The Saboteur believes what he tells himself.
The Saboteur feels powerless.
The Saboteur feels unworthy.
The Saboteur feels he has nothing to offer.
The Saboteur has met someone who is right for him, but finds a way to make it go wrong.
The Saboteur is tired.
The Saboteur is frustrated and discouraged.
The Saboteur feels cursed.
The Saboteur believes he is incapable of succeeding in a relationship.
The Saboteur has great ideas, but doesn’t follow through and accomplish them.
The Saboteur allows opportunities to pass him by.
The Saboteur doesn’t just listen to his instincts, he acts on them.
The Saboteur is impulsive.
The Saboteur can’t see the big picture.
The Saboteur feels undeserving.
The Saboteur does not see value in trying.
The Saboteur is confused.
The Saboteur is afraid.
The Saboteur is afraid of success and happiness.
The Saboteur is afraid of change and uncertainty.
The Saboteur is familiar and comfortable with that which makes him unhappy.
The Saboteur is good at sabotage.
The Saboteur’s inner light is dimmed by a cloud of negative affirmation.
The Saboteur is his own worst enemy.
The Saboteur can’t move towards what’s right, because he keeps his eyes on what’s wrong.
The Saboteur can’t see and feel the truth.
The Saboteur can’t separate who he is from what’s happened to him.
The Saboteur stays in negative situations that pull him down.
The Saboteur begs for rejection.
The Saboteur runs away.
The Saboteur is robbing others of the chance to love him, and robbing himself of the chance to really really love.
The Saboteur needs to know that he is valued for who he is despite his failures and mistakes.
The Saboteur needs to know that he can depend on those he loves and they can depend on him.
The Saboteur needs to know that he is worthy.
The Saboteur needs to know that he deserves the love of others, and that he did not deserve the hurt that came from those who were supposed to love him.
The Saboteur needs to give himself permission to pursue that which he truly desires in life.
The Saboteur is not evil.
The Saboteur is just lost.
______________________
The above could be read many many ways. It could be read with a harsh and angry voice. It could be read yelling. It could be rife with accusation. It could be read with sadness and pity. It should be read with compassion and empathy. Objectively, I wanted not to write it from that place or with those intentions in mind, but I have to admit that elements of all of those complicated emotions and “re”actions are in there.
Because I’m hurt … I let myself get hurt.
Part of me is angry, sad, frustrated and confused. I would be lying if I didn’t openly acknowledge that. That’s me.
I recently danced with a Saboteur, and I let him hurt me.
I pursued him … I rang the bell.
He even tried to warn me, albeit too quietly for me to hear. I started to write the above generically, but stopped when I realized how much that would be a lie. He knows I wrote this about him. Maybe he’ll believe someday that I also wrote this for him. In writing it, I realized how much of a Saboteur I have been to myself, and while I can see how I’ve learned to recognize, cope and deal with some of my self-sabotage patterns, I see too that I still have more work to do.
I drew my perspective not just from experience, but from the following websites:
The Saboteur Within
Stopping Self-Sabotage
Kellevision
The Saboteur’s subconscious and conscious minds are always in conflict.
The Saboteur feels broken.
The Saboteur tells himself that he is rescuing others from the future pain of his sabotage by shutting them out now.
The Saboteur believes what he tells himself.
The Saboteur feels powerless.
The Saboteur feels unworthy.
The Saboteur feels he has nothing to offer.
The Saboteur has met someone who is right for him, but finds a way to make it go wrong.
The Saboteur is tired.
The Saboteur is frustrated and discouraged.
The Saboteur feels cursed.
The Saboteur believes he is incapable of succeeding in a relationship.
The Saboteur has great ideas, but doesn’t follow through and accomplish them.
The Saboteur allows opportunities to pass him by.
The Saboteur doesn’t just listen to his instincts, he acts on them.
The Saboteur is impulsive.
The Saboteur can’t see the big picture.
The Saboteur feels undeserving.
The Saboteur does not see value in trying.
The Saboteur is confused.
The Saboteur is afraid.
The Saboteur is afraid of success and happiness.
The Saboteur is afraid of change and uncertainty.
The Saboteur is familiar and comfortable with that which makes him unhappy.
The Saboteur is good at sabotage.
The Saboteur’s inner light is dimmed by a cloud of negative affirmation.
The Saboteur is his own worst enemy.
The Saboteur can’t move towards what’s right, because he keeps his eyes on what’s wrong.
The Saboteur can’t see and feel the truth.
The Saboteur can’t separate who he is from what’s happened to him.
The Saboteur stays in negative situations that pull him down.
The Saboteur begs for rejection.
The Saboteur runs away.
The Saboteur is robbing others of the chance to love him, and robbing himself of the chance to really really love.
The Saboteur needs to know that he is valued for who he is despite his failures and mistakes.
The Saboteur needs to know that he can depend on those he loves and they can depend on him.
The Saboteur needs to know that he is worthy.
The Saboteur needs to know that he deserves the love of others, and that he did not deserve the hurt that came from those who were supposed to love him.
The Saboteur needs to give himself permission to pursue that which he truly desires in life.
The Saboteur is not evil.
The Saboteur is just lost.
______________________
The above could be read many many ways. It could be read with a harsh and angry voice. It could be read yelling. It could be rife with accusation. It could be read with sadness and pity. It should be read with compassion and empathy. Objectively, I wanted not to write it from that place or with those intentions in mind, but I have to admit that elements of all of those complicated emotions and “re”actions are in there.
Because I’m hurt … I let myself get hurt.
Part of me is angry, sad, frustrated and confused. I would be lying if I didn’t openly acknowledge that. That’s me.
I recently danced with a Saboteur, and I let him hurt me.
I pursued him … I rang the bell.
He even tried to warn me, albeit too quietly for me to hear. I started to write the above generically, but stopped when I realized how much that would be a lie. He knows I wrote this about him. Maybe he’ll believe someday that I also wrote this for him. In writing it, I realized how much of a Saboteur I have been to myself, and while I can see how I’ve learned to recognize, cope and deal with some of my self-sabotage patterns, I see too that I still have more work to do.
I drew my perspective not just from experience, but from the following websites:
The Saboteur Within
Stopping Self-Sabotage
Kellevision