The Ride . . .

Separation and divorce is such a ride. It is HELL and I wouldn’t wish it upon anyone. It’s just so damn complex. Anything that involves two people, two people who ostensibly are angry at each other, add in a good solid dose of denial about reality, and then ask them to dispute the merits of bar soap versus liquid soap. It is a no-win, and it is no good. But it is happening … and it is happening to me.

I hate it.

Sometimes I want to be dead just so I don’t have to feel anything about it.   Marriage for my husband and I would require the labotomy of one or the other or both. We have different passions, different visions, and completely different ways of seeing just about everything in the world.  At one time or another he was curious about my viewpoint, but confidently thought that I would figure it out … his way … when I didn’t, he became increasingly convinced that I was irrational, illogical, and most definitely overly-analytical. I frustrated him, and I hated me. I felt that I needed fixing. Then someone came along who validated me, and I slept with him.  It’s as raw as it sounds. It was a colossal mistake, one I’m deeply embarrassed about. I do regret it.  I have learned to live with it, I have no choice. I want to be dead, but I’ll never do anything about it (hopefully).  I know why it happened.  I did it and I wish I hadn’t.  Tragically, it means there is no turning back. I accept that.  Somedays I am really stinking good with that.  I am excited about it.  I just want to get beyond it.  Back to the time when my husband and I were just friends, before we took it up a notch.  I love him, I do, but we really are incompatible.  I know what I want, and he’s not it. I’d give him a shot if he gave me a shot, but it would be hard and it would suck for a long time.  This is what it is.  I want to get the show on the road.  It’s like talking to a wall though.  This is what he wants … so why won’t he participate?  How do I get him to participate?  How do you get two ostensibly angry and frustrated people to agree … through communication that got them into this big mess in the first place.  It sucks … it just absolutely sucks.